But sometimes ya just gotta get stuff off your chest ya know?
Up until Dad died, I lived in denial that I had been suffering from depression since Ava's birth. After I left my job at Toyota and took on a new role as stay-at-home mom, I lost track of a lot of things. I missed my old friends at Toyota something fierce. I would stop and visit whenever I had the chance. Eventually these visits came to a halt. I quit doing things I once loved. A few months before dad died I had a falling out with someone close to me and it was hard to let go of. Then after dad passed, this falling out came to a head. I was 32 weeks pregnant when dad died, so throw some pregnancy hormones in there too.
When we welcomed little Anson in June of last year it was bittersweet. Kenny and I were so happy to welcome a healthy baby. After Ava we wondered if it would happen again for us. But it hurt that certain people were not there to share in the joy with us. I felt myself become more disconnected from every day activities. It was as if I was on auto pilot. Ava and Aohdan always have clinics and therapies to go to, and having a newborn...suffice it to say there was very little sleep those first several months. So at first I didn't give the extreme tiredness I seemed to always battle much thought. I just took extra naps when possible and pressed on. But it Did bother me that other moms seemed to 'handle' things so much better than I did. I almost envied other moms I saw playing in the park with their kids, or planning trips to the zoo, etc. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. I had gained weight in nursing school, about 20 pounds, and then got pregnant. So I went into my pregnancy with Anson too heavy. I luckily only gained about 15 pounds, and lost 10 pretty much immediately since he was a 9 pound baby. But I was still WAY heavier than I should be.
Just a side note. Weight sneaks up on a person. I just had a conversation with a friend of mine not too long ago about perspective. I remember when I was newly pregnant with Aohdan, our first, and I was started to get a little 'pooch' in my belly. I was about 150 pounds or so...and I was MORTIFIED when I had to put on a size 12 pants. I gained 35 pounds with Aohdan and lost all but a few pounds by the time Kenny and I married a year later. When I got pregnant with Ava, I gained about the same amount, but again lost it all pretty quickly..this time due to extreme stress not healthy eating and exercise like last time though. When I left my job at Toyota in 2008 things changed. I quit going to the gym, I quit eating healthy. I survived on hospital food a lot. Before I knew it I was back up to what I weighed when I gave birth to Ava...how the HECK did that happen?! It really snuck up on me because I had started wearing sweat pants a lot since I no longer had to 'dress up' to go to work, I was quite shocked when I went to put on a size 14 and they were tight! I tried to pick my old, healthy eating style back up but it didn't come as easily as it once had. I realized I was 100% addicted to food. I had used it as a crutch and comfort and now it was almost like a drug to me. I suddenly had a new appreciation for people who were overweight. You see, for all my life I was between 125-140 pounds. And I thought 140 was fat back then. Again, perspective. It's funny when you're trying to squeeze into a size 14, you suddenly would give your right arm to be 140 pounds again.
So going into nursing school I was able to lose some weight and was between a size 12 and 14, depending on the brand. But I had been biking and working out, so i was actually in pretty respectable shape. During nursing school I lived in either sweat pants or scrubs, both of which disguise fat pretty well. When I graduated in the summer of 2011, I stepped on the scale for the first time in a year...yeah we're not going there. Needless to say I was mortified. That summer, while waiting to take my state boards, I worked at a friends dairy farm milking cows. It was hard work, but I Wanted to because I thought it would help me take off some weight. That fall of 2011, Kenny and I became pregnant with Anson. I was elated, truly I was. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about gaining even more weight. I also battled gestational diabetes, which makes things worse. In the end I kept my weight gain to 15 pounds. But Anson's pregnancy was hard on me. When it came time to give birth it was actually a big relief.
So back to the rest of the story...
This year I have battled depression, fatigue, and extra weight. NOT a good combination! So after much prayerful consideration I decided it was time to see the Dr about my depression. I began a low dose medication that did seem to help. Things seemed okay, but I was still Soooo tirrrred. I finally made an appointment last week to get a complete physical. Even though I'm overweight, I do try to do cardio exercise 2-3 times per week and am hoping to get back to riding my bike. So I didn't think there would be anything too awful on my lab results. When the results got back, I found my vitamin D level was extremely low and I was borderline diabetic. It was a real punch in the gut. It was in that moment that I truly understood how people could cross that threshold of gaining weight to the point of no return. What I was dealing with was a bad combination. Depression and low vitamin D cause extreme fatigue, but being overweight can cause your body to use too much vitamin D, contributing to a deficiency. A vitamin D deficiency leads to diabetes. So basically one led to another. I find all of this out the day after turning 40...great birthday present huh?
I am not expecting to be 125 pounds again, but I believe with my whole heart, that God intends for us to be healthy and vibrant! So basically I am really praying hard to make some changes. I am working on some as we speak, but it has been HARD. I feel so far removed from the person I used to be that it just contributes to my depression. And depression sucks too! Because you try to put on a brave face so you won't bring someone else's mood down, when all the while you just want someone to listen. Life is hard sometimes, and it changes you. I sit and think sometimes about how much I miss the "way things used to be" when all I really mean to say is that I miss feeling "happy." People used to always comment on how I was "so positive" and "had such a good attitude." I just want to get back there, or at least part way there!
So if you're a praying person, I definitely wouldn't mind a few prayers sent my way. I go in this Wednesday to get tested for diabetes. And I have made up my mind that even if I have it, it is just a good reason to make lifelong changes to my diet. My main prayer is that this depression will be lifted and that I will stop crying over situations that I cannot change. I pray that I will take on a new outlook and stay focused on the many blessings God has bestowed on our family. I know things could be way worse, but I am just getting really tired of being tired and depressed. It's not me, and I want ME back. I want to WANT to play with my kids and take them places and NOT want to go back to bed 30 minutes after waking up. I also wanted to share my struggles because I know there are many of you out there who feel the same way and you are Not alone.
Blessings,
The Unashamed Christian
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