Depression, Weight Gain, Vitamin D Deficiency....Diabetes.

I try really hard not to be a downer.  You know that person who's sadness sucks the life out of you?  Yeah.  I try not to be that person.  Everyone has their battles.  Some people battle alcoholism.  Some battle drug addiction.  Some people are in a relationship with or married to an abusive partner.  So I really do try to keep my attitude positive and look at the bright side of things.  

But sometimes ya just gotta get  stuff off your chest ya know?

Up until Dad died, I lived in denial that I had been suffering from depression since Ava's birth.  After I left my job at Toyota and took on a new role as stay-at-home mom, I lost track of a lot of things.  I missed my old friends at Toyota something fierce.  I would stop and visit whenever I had the chance.  Eventually these visits came to a halt.  I quit doing things I once loved.  A few months before dad died I had a falling out with someone close to me and it was hard to let go of.  Then after dad passed, this falling out came to a head.  I was 32 weeks pregnant when dad died, so throw some pregnancy hormones in there too.  

When we welcomed little Anson in June of last year it was bittersweet.  Kenny and I were so happy to welcome a healthy baby.  After Ava we wondered if it would happen again for us.  But it hurt that certain people were not there to share in the joy with us.  I felt myself become more disconnected from every day activities.  It was as if I was on auto pilot.  Ava and Aohdan always have clinics and therapies to go to, and having a newborn...suffice it to say there was very little sleep those first several months.  So at first I didn't give the extreme tiredness I seemed to always battle much thought.  I just took extra naps when possible and pressed on.  But it Did bother me that other moms seemed to 'handle' things so much better than I did.  I almost envied other moms I saw playing in the park with their kids, or planning trips to the zoo, etc.  "What is wrong with me?" I thought.  I had gained weight in nursing school, about 20 pounds, and then got pregnant.  So I went into my pregnancy with Anson too heavy. I luckily only gained about 15 pounds, and lost 10 pretty much immediately since he was a 9 pound baby.  But I was still WAY heavier than I should be. 

Just a side note.  Weight sneaks up on a person.  I just had a conversation with a friend of mine not too long ago about perspective.  I remember when I was newly pregnant with Aohdan, our first, and I was started to get a little 'pooch' in my belly.  I was about 150 pounds or so...and I was MORTIFIED when I had to put on a size 12 pants.  I gained 35 pounds with Aohdan and lost all but a few pounds by the time Kenny and I married a year later.  When I got pregnant with Ava, I gained about the same amount, but again lost it all pretty quickly..this time due to extreme stress not healthy eating and exercise like last time though.  When I left my job at Toyota in 2008 things changed.  I quit going to the gym, I quit eating healthy.  I survived on hospital food a lot.  Before I knew it I was back up to what I weighed when I gave birth to Ava...how the HECK did that happen?!  It really snuck up on me because I had started wearing sweat pants a lot since I no longer had to 'dress up' to go to work, I was quite shocked when I went to put on a size 14 and they were tight!  I tried to pick my old, healthy eating style back up but it didn't come as easily as it once had.  I realized I was 100% addicted to food.  I had used it as a crutch and comfort and now it was almost like a drug to me.  I suddenly had a new appreciation for people who were overweight.  You see, for all my life I was between 125-140 pounds. And I thought 140 was fat back then.  Again, perspective.  It's funny when you're trying to squeeze into a size 14, you suddenly would give your right arm to be 140 pounds again.

So going into nursing school I was able to lose some weight and was between a size 12 and 14, depending on the brand.  But I had been biking and working out, so i was actually in pretty respectable shape.  During nursing school I lived in either sweat pants or scrubs, both of which disguise fat pretty well.  When I graduated in the summer of 2011, I stepped on the scale for the first time in a year...yeah we're not going there.  Needless to say I was mortified.  That summer, while waiting to take my state boards, I worked at a friends dairy farm milking cows.  It was hard work, but I Wanted to because I thought it would help me take off some weight.  That fall of 2011, Kenny and I became pregnant with Anson.  I was elated, truly I was.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about gaining even more weight.  I also battled gestational diabetes, which makes things worse.  In the end I kept my weight gain to 15 pounds.  But Anson's pregnancy was hard on me.  When it came time to give birth it was actually a big relief.  

So back to the rest of the story...

This year I have battled depression, fatigue, and extra weight.  NOT a good combination!  So after much prayerful consideration I decided it was time to see the Dr about my depression.  I began a low dose medication that did seem to help.  Things seemed okay, but I was still Soooo tirrrred.  I finally made an appointment last week to get a complete physical.  Even though I'm overweight, I do try to do cardio exercise 2-3 times per week and am hoping to get back to riding my bike.  So I didn't think there would be anything too awful on my lab results.  When the results got back, I found my vitamin D level was extremely low and I was borderline diabetic.  It was a real punch in the gut.  It was in that moment that I truly understood how people could cross that threshold of gaining weight to the point of no return.  What I was dealing with was a bad combination.  Depression and low vitamin D cause extreme fatigue, but being overweight can cause your body to use too much vitamin D, contributing to a deficiency.  A vitamin D deficiency leads to diabetes.  So basically one led to another.  I find all of this out the day after turning 40...great birthday present huh?

I am not expecting to be 125 pounds again, but I believe with my whole heart, that God intends for us to be healthy and vibrant!  So basically I am really praying hard to make some changes.  I am working on some as we speak, but it has been HARD.  I feel so far removed from the person I used to be that it just contributes to my depression.  And depression sucks too!  Because you try to put on a brave face so you won't bring someone else's mood down, when all the while you just want someone to listen.  Life is hard sometimes, and it changes you.  I sit and think sometimes about how much I miss the "way things used to be" when all I really mean to say is that I miss feeling "happy."  People used to always comment on how I was "so positive" and "had such a good attitude."  I just want to get back there, or at least part way there!

So if you're a praying person, I definitely wouldn't mind a few prayers sent my way.  I go in this Wednesday to get tested for diabetes. And I have made up my mind that even if I have it, it is just a good reason to make lifelong changes to my diet.  My main prayer is that this depression will be lifted and that I will stop crying over situations that I cannot change.  I pray that I will take on a new outlook and stay focused on the many blessings God has bestowed on our family.  I know things could be way worse, but I am just getting really tired of being tired and depressed.  It's not me, and I want ME back. I want to WANT to play with my kids and take them places and NOT want to go back to bed 30 minutes after waking up.  I also wanted to share my struggles because I know there are many of you out there who feel the same way and you are Not alone.

Blessings,

The Unashamed Christian

Homemade Almond Milk....Wow.

I have loved almond milk for as long as I can remember.  Never really cared for cows milk (except the fresh, raw milk).  I've been reading how easy it is to do, but just haven't done it.  I even bought 25# of raw almonds back in January so I definitely have some almonds available to experiment with, haha.

Well tonight I hit the bullet and did it...and it was DELISH!  I had soaked 1.5 cups of nuts in filtered water to soak, so they ended up being 2 cups because they puff up a bit when they're soaked.  I put all the soaked almonds in the Vitamix along with 2quarts filtered water and processed on high for 2 minutes.  

Then I draped a nut milk bag over a one gallon container and poured the entire contents of the Vitamix into the nut milk bag.  I squeezed gently until all that precious milk was in my milk container, and all that was left behind in the nut milk bag was (fairly) dry almond pulp. *I put the pulp in a freezer bag to use later

I ended up with about 2.5 quarts of almond.  I finished it off with just a dash of vanilla extract and a tiny bit of stevia.  It is delicious!  And definitely cheaper than Silk or Almond Breeze, not by much but cheaper... And HEALTHIER!

I am doing a happy dance right now;-D

Why I am adamantly against abortion

This is a deeply personal post.  It has taken me years to get to this point.  The main reason is that, being a Christian, I am constantly fearful of those dreaded words by a non-believer of, "You're a hypocrite!"  Because of the sensitivity of this post, any negative posts will not be allowed.

Ok.  Here goes.

The reason I am adamantly against abortion...is because I have endured this procedure.  It happened in my early 20's.  I was in a different place in life, and my worldview was drastically different.  It has taken me years to get to a point where I can even begin to forgive myself.  Christ has forgiven me, this I know.  But I battle every day to receive that forgiveness.  I felt led to share my story because so many young women out there feel this is their only way out.  Please believe me when I tell you that you don't want to go through life with this burden on your shoulders.  I hated myself.  Truly hated myself.

I became a born again Christian in the summer of 2003, just months before I lost my mom.  Once I gave my life to the Lord I began attending church services at a local church.  My walk with God was a struggle to say the least.  It has taken me years to realize that my years of partying and partaking in things I should not have, really hindered my walk with Christ.  I was so bound up in my own guilt that I couldn't truly allow God in to my heart.

To give a little bit a background, I come from an awesome family AND I grew up in the church.  So don't think us 'church kids' are immune!  But because I grew up knowing better, I think my self-condemnation was a bit heavier.  My mom was such an awesome example of a loving, caring, Christian.  I hid everything from her.  I didn't want her to be ashamed of me.  So I hid my early sexual experiences.  I hid my smoking from her, cigarettes and marijuana.  I lived under this pseudo façade of this good little girl.  When mom found out I had an abortion she. was. crushed.  And I was crushed.  I was ashamed.  But like so many things I just shoved it under the rug.  I built a wall around it and pretended it didn't happen.  But it was always there, lingering just under the surface. 

After some years went by, it had almost become so distant a memory that I felt it was buried for good.  Then one day I am sitting at work and I received a phone call from a friend I had known from "those" years.  She was pregnant and wanted to know if I could refer her to a reputable abortion clinic.  She was one of the few people who I had told about it and now wanted me to 'refer' her to a good abortion Doctor.  I actually felt sick to my stomach.  I asked her why she wanted an abortion.  Her response was short and curt.  She had that same emotionless reaction that I had had years ago.  I was sick with guilt.  I told her how much my decision years ago had impacted me and asked her to reconsider.  I can only hope and pray that she listened.

Fast forward to Ava's birth.

When my daughter was born with no signs of life in 2007, my long buried guilt reared its ugly head with a vengeance.  I remember like it was yesterday, sitting at her bedside and listening to a Doctor tell me she probably would not survive the next three days.  My husband and I had decided to have a home birth.  We had put a lot of careful thought into our decision.  I had a healthy pregnancy.  We had a back up plan.  But family members and friends still expressed concern that something would go wrong and we were putting our baby's life at risk.  Guess what was going through my head when I was listening to the Doctor tell me that my daughter would more than likely die?  I blamed myself.  Oh man did I blame myself.  I also allowed myself to feel that I deserved this because I had killed my baby years ago.  The guilt was incredible, and it was only my love of my husband and son, and my love of Christ, that I didn't just kill myself.  There were many, many days that I wished I would just go to sleep and not wake up.  I didn't feel I deserved to live.  The self condemnation was a heavy, heavy burden.

As a born again believer, I believe in Heaven and hell.  I believe there is a spiritual battle going on and the devil was having a hay day with me.  The Bible tells us that Jesus came to bring us life to the fullest, and the devil came only to steal, kill, and destroy.  Satan wants to keep us in condemnation.  He doesn't want any of us fully receiving the Grace that Jesus died to give all of us.  After Ava's birth I had a real hard time receiving any of this grace.  I hated myself, and I told Kenny this many times.  I know at times he was deeply worried about me.  I wouldn't have killed myself, but I can tell you there were days I wanted to die.  There were many nights that my husband would hold me in his arms while I cried so hard my eyes felt like they would explode.  He would ask me to tell him what lies satan was telling me so that he could pray over me and ask the Lord to remove the lies from my mind.  These were dark, dark times. 

During all of this it seemed our church started talking about abortion a lot.  Talking about how wrong it was, and how we needed to stop killing babies.  These words resonated in my head over and over.  All I heard was "killing babies."  I was one of those.  Now this was my perception.  It was kind of like when you buy a new car, all the sudden you start to see them everywhere.  It is just how our minds work.  Because I had had an abortion, it seemed I heard this topic come up everywhere.  The feelings I had suppressed for so long finally came rushing to the surface and one night as I was laying in bed, I burst into tears and, through sobs, told my husband what I had done years ago.  Of course he didn't hold it against me, and prayed over me that I would receive the love of Christ and His forgiveness.  It was a relief for sure.  But there was still a nagging in my heart that there was more I had to do.  Every time I saw a newspaper article or Facebook post about some anti-abortion movement, I found myself hesitant to share because I didn't want someone who knew about my past to see it and think I was being a hypocrite.  But God kept tugging at my heart.  I knew He wanted me to share my story and my struggles.  I knew I had to share my story, but I was petrified of the condemnation and what others would think of me.

My purpose of sharing this story is two-fold.  First I want women who are contemplating having an abortion to really, really think and pray about your decision.  It will forever change your life and you will never be the same.  No matter your reasons, trust me you are not prepared for the emotional chasm it leaves on your soul.  I know I am forgiven, but I am forever changed because of my decision.  Secondly, as with any sin, just because it is legal in terms of the law, does not make it right in the eyes of God.  All these human rights groups talk about Pro Choice.  And I supported this for years.  But I cannot support this. 

Abortion is not the only sin I have committed.  If I were judged by God's law (the Ten Commandments) I am probably guilty of breaking just about every one.  I've lied, I've disrespected my parents, I've committed sexual immorality, and there is many more.  But here is the kicker.  In the spring of 2003, my mom had confronted me about my faith.

She point blank asked me one day, "if you were to die tonight, do you think you would go to heaven?" 

Her question really riled me, "Sure I am," I replied. 

"How do you know?"  She said.

(Here it comes)

"Because I am a good person," I told her.

Let me just make this point.

You see I had spent my whole life telling people I was a Christian, yet all the while just not getting it.  You see, you cannot just pick parts of the bible to live by and discard the rest.  You either BELIEVE or you don't.  There is no in between.  I used to believe all my friends were going to heaven.  I believed my Muslim, Buddhist, wiccan, etc etc.  I believed they were all going.  But the bible is very clear on this point.  Jesus said, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me."  It wasn't until the summer of 2003 that I really embraced this.  You see, we are all sinners.  There is a lot of chatter these days about homosexuals and the liberals hate the conservatives, and the gay and lesbian groups hate the Christians.  Bottom line is that we are all sinners and need the Grace of our Lord.  He is there for all of us. 

I keep finding myself getting into these stupid debates with homosexuals, and being accused of things that I am not.  At the core of my belief system is a desire to live according to God's will for my life.  Do I mess up?  Absolutely.  But it is my desire to live by His rules, not man's rules, because man's rules are static.  There are no boundaries any more. 

So back to my mom...

She just shook her head when I told her I was good enough to get into heaven.  It took me awhile to realize the absolute absurdity of what I said.  Was I for real??  A girl who had dabbled in sexual promiscuity, had had an abortion, had done drugs..did I really think I was good enough.  It took me being brought to my knees as a broken women to realize how much I needed a Savior.  I needed Jesus. I finally asked my mom if there was someone I could talk to.  She sent me to talk to a pastor friend of hers and he ultimately led me through repentance and the sinner's prayer.  It was life changing.  But it doesn't make me better than you or anyone.  It just makes me forgiven.

There are topics I am passionate about, but it usually revolves around my belief in a Christian worldview.  It guides my decisions, my marriage, how we are raising our children, everything.  The Lord picked me up when I was completely broken.  He showed me His love in a dream one night, and He assured me He would always be with me.  And I believe Him.  But I still live in a broken world, and I am human.  I battle just like everyone else.  I battle feeling angry that two of my children struggle with disabilities, I battle anger, I battle independence.  I battle a lot of things.  I. Am. Not. Perfect.  But I am forgiven in Christ.

If you know anyone who has had, or is thinking of having, an abortion, please have them email me.  It is a burden no one should carry.  Every life is a miracle, and every baby is a blessing.  I thank God every day that I have three beautiful children, because I believed for years that I didn't deserve to have children. 

Again, this post is highly personal, but I felt led to share my story.  There are too many babies being aborted and too many women living in shame as a result.