Photobucket

Pages

Sunday, November 18, 2012


Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

This scripture has really been on my heart as of late.  Especially the last one...self-control.  I am FAR  from perfect.  Not even close actually. The good book says, out of the mouth flows the condition of the heart...or something like that.  If that's the case, my heart is in really bad shape.  If you're a praying person, I could use some extra.  I feel I am at a cross roads in life.  Do not misconstrue, I am SO blessed in so many ways. I just want to live a life that will make others proud, make others feel good about me and themselves, make God proud.  I want to sort out my thoughts before I write more so that I don't sound scattered, which I fear I already do.

Good night everyone.

God Bless,  Vicki

Thinking some major changes are in store

So I've been doing some deep thinking lately. I know, scary right? But in all seriousness, I've always believed myself to be a 10%-er. What I'm referring to is the rule of 10%. I'm going to use the best example I can think of... in the car business we used to talk about how 10% of the sales consultants make 90% of the commissions. This is true by the way. It basically refers to human nature. And it even plays a part in Capitalism...we'll go into that another day. But in the automotive business, when you referred to someone as a 10%-er, it was a big compliment. Basically it says that you don't follow the grain, you don't do what everyone else does. I used to be that way...guess I still am to some degree.

I used to always purposely stay away from anything that 'everyone else is doing' because...admittedly...I have an addictive personality. I tend to get hooked on things quickly, which is probably why I always stayed away from the hard-core recreational drugs, alcohol, etc. I experimented to some degree, but...you get the point.

What it boils down to is this. I have become addicted to Facebook and other forms of technology. I never thought I would say that. It has become like my newspaper. I wake up in the morning and [usually] the first thing I do is check my Facebook page to see what my friends are up to. Now, some may say that is no big deal. For me it is. I don't like it that when I have Any kind of down time imam on Facebook. I never used to have a problem just sitting in a doctors office and waiting. Now I sit there and play on my phone. I don't like that I have become that 'dependent' on it. So.....I am thinking I need a break. I have felt for a long time now, that I need to write and blog. And my sick addiction to Facebook and Yahoo are interfering. So it is time to take a break for awhile. I will not be gone forever, but with my dear husbands help, I'm thinking I may limit my use to tagging my blog posts and checking on my friends once a once or so.

I plan to write a separate, much more detailed, post about the evils of Facebook, but again, that's for another day.

It's funny, I actually feel kind of anxious about 'leaving' Facebook, like I'm going to miss out on something. Which is precisely why I need to leave. Im going to ponder on this for a day or two, and then make a move. Wish me luck on this, and I will miss all of you!

I hope you will continue to follow me on our blog:-)

Blessings,

Vicki



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, November 12, 2012

Secession and other stuff

It is interesting that following Obama's re-election that wall street fell 300 points (I believe that was the number) and 20 states filed a petition to withdrawl from the United States.

http://m.yahoo.com/w/legobpengine/news/blogs/lookout/secission-petitions-filed-20-states-190210006.html?orig_host_hdr=news.yahoo.com&.intl=US&.lang=en-US

Monday, November 5, 2012

Separation of Church and State. What it REALLY means, and what the liberal-biased media will NEVER tell you.



(Parts of this are courtesy of the research done by a fellow sister in Christ-Thank you Anne)

The United States of America, my country, your country, and a nation founded on Godly principles.  Principles that were never questioned for hundreds of years.  These virtues are slowly but surely being taken away from us.  Our freedoms, stripped away by a liberal agenda that tries in vain to strip God's name from every where, schools, government buildings, sports, all because they argue that "God has no place in Goverrment."  Excuse me?  I beg to differ.  You may not agree with God, or even believe in God.  But the Founding Fathers of this country included the Name of our Lord Jesus in every. single. decision.  You can ignore it all you want, but facts are facts. 

The term 'Separation of Church and State' has been widely disputed in recent days, meaning since 1947.  Prior to that, no one questioned that this was a Christian nation, founded on the principles of Jesus Christ.  Rarely are the actual documents from our Founding Fathers referred to.  Since they created the Constitution, doesn't it make sense to see how they intended for us to interpret vital parts of the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independance, and other historical documents that impact our Great Nation today!

George Mason, the principal author of the Bill of Rights, was a well-to-do Virginia farmer, lawyer, judge, and politician. In 1749 he served as a justice of the Fairfax County Court, and in 1775-76 was a representative to the temporary government of the state of Virginia, the Virginia Convention. He is best known as the author of the Virginia Declaration of Rights, which spelled out the concept that men are, by nature, free and that they have inherent rights.

Mason was a delegate to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia, although he was adamantly opposed to the final version of the Constitution which was approved by the other delegates, believing that the Convention was giving Congress too much power over the states. He believed that the President and Senate together would form a psuedo-monarchy. "The executive and legislative powers," he said, "thus connected, will destroy all balances."

The Constitution, he believed, provided no security against the powers of government being appropriated by a single faction. He became a major anti-federalist and argued against ratification of the Constitution.

In his will, George Mason wrote:

"My soul I resign into the hands of my Almighty Creator, whose tender mercies are all over His works, who hateth nothing that He hath made, and to the justice and wisdom of whose dispensations I willingly and cheerfully submit, humbly hoping from His unbounded mercy and benevolence, through the merits of my blessed Savior, a remission of my sins".

Thomas McKean, signer of the Declaration of Independence, studied for seven years at Reverend Francis Alison’s academy and was admitted to the Delaware bar in 1754, at the age of 20. He soon went into business for himself and opened branches in Delaware, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey. He later became a deputy attorney general of Sussex County and a member of the legislature.

He became involved in the Revolution in 1765 when he became a delegate to the Stamp Act Congress. Because he was absent when the Declaration of Independence was signed, he affixed his signature later.

He was a member of the Continental Congress 1774-76 and 1778-83, serving as president thereof in 1781; was simultaneously president (as the governor was then known) of Delaware in 1777 as well as chief justice of Pennsylvania from that year until 1799; and served three consecutive terms as governor of Pennsylvania 1799 to 1808. He helped to frame the Delaware constitution, supported and signed the Articles of Confederation, and was a member of Pennsylvania's state constitutional convention

On July 10, 1791, Thomas McKean was elected as the second President of the United States in Congress Assembled, and in 1792, along with James Wilson, he wrote “Commentaries on the Constitution” of the United States.

As Chief Justice, McKean heard the case Respublica vs. John Roberts. Roberts was found guilty of treason and was condemned to death. With only are most remarkably Christian. Being found guilty of treason, Roberts was condemned to death. When he had only a few days before his execution, McKean called the condemned man back to the bench and said this to him:

"You will probably have but a short time to live. Before you launch into eternity, it behooves you to improve the time that may be allowed you in this world. It behooves you most seriously to reflect upon your conduct, to repent of your evil deeds, to be incessant in prayers to the great and merciful God to forgive your manifold transgressions and sins, to teach you to rely upon the merit and passion of a dear Redeemer and thereby to avoid those regions of sorrow, those doleful shades where peace and rest can never dwell, where even hope cannot enter. It behooves you to seek the fellowship, advice and prayers of pious and good men, to be persistent at the throne of grace and to learn the way that leadeth to happiness. May you reflecting upon these things and pursuing the will of the great Father of Light and Life, be received into the company and society of angels and archangels and the spirits of just men made perfect and may you be qualified to enter into the joys of heaven, joys unspeakable and full of glory."


At the time of his death, Dr. Benjamin Rush -- along with George Washington and Benjamin Franklin -- was arguably one of America’s three most notable men. He was a signer of the Declaration of Independence, helped found five colleges, served under three presidents, and personally trained more than 3,000 medical students. He is also the founder of the Sunday School movement in America as well as the first Bible society in America. He published the first American textbook on chemistry. He was active in the Sons of Liberty in Philadelphia.

In June 1776, he was elected to attend the provincial conference to send delegates to the Continental Congress and was appointed to represent Philadelphia. In 1777, he became physician-general in the Continental Army but became critical of the administration of the army medical service and Dr. William Shippen, who was in charge of it. He complained directly to General George Washington who deferred to Congress. Congress supported Dr. Shippen, and Dr. Rush resigned. As the war continued, he tried repeatedly to get Washington removed as commander-in-chief. He even went so far as to write an anonymous letter to Virginia's governor, Patrick Henry. He was confronted by General Washington, and that confrontation caused him to remove himself from all war activities.

In 1789, he wrote in newspapers of Philadelphia advocating the adoption of the federal Constitution. He was elected to the Pennsylvania convention and had a hand in adopting it. From 1797 to 1813, he was treasurer of the US Mint.

On March 28, 1787, he wrote an open letter “To the citizens of Philadelphia: A Plan for Free Schools”.

"Let the children...be carefully instructed in the principles and obligations of the Christian religion. This is the most essential part of education. The great enemy of the salvation of man, in my opinion, never invented a more effectual means of extirpating Christianity from the world than by persuading mankind that it was improper to read the Bible at schools."

He continued in the same letter:

"The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be laid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty."


Roger Sherman is the only of the Founding Fathers who signed all four of America’s founding documents: Articles of Association (1774), Declaration of Independence (1776), Articles of Confederation (1778), and the United States Constitution (1787).

It is because of Sherman that we have two legislative bodies; it was his idea to create both the House and the Senate in order to resolve conflict between the big and small states.

Also a theologian, he wrote a personal creed which was adopted by his church:

“I believe that there is one only living and tru God, existing in three persons, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the same in substance, equal in power and glory. That the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments are a revelation from God, and a complete rule to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy Him.”


Richard Stockton was a lawyer, jurist, legislator, and one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

Disinterested in politics, he once wrote, "The publick is generally unthankful, and I never will become a Servant of it, till I am convinced that by neglecting my own affairs I am doing more acceptable Service to God and Man." Later, however, he took an active role as a trustee of the College of New Jersey.

In 1768 he was appointed to the governing Council of New Jersey. In 1774, he was appointed to the New Jersey Supreme Court. Initially, he took a moderate stance in the problems the colonies and Great Britain were experiencing. Rather than favoring separation, he suggested in 1764 that colonial members be appointed to the Parliament. He changed his position a year later when the Stamp Act became an issue, at which time he drafted and sent to Lord Dartmouth "a plan of self-government for America, independent of Parliament, without renouncing allegiance to the Crown."

In 1776 Stockton was elected to the Continental Congress, where he took a very active role. Shortly after he signed the Declaration of Independence, he was taken prisoner by the British. Although he was in prison for only a month, his health suffered in the extreme. He became an invalid and died as a result of his mistreatment.

In his last will and testament, he declared in writing that he was a Christian:

“I, Richard Stockton, being sick and weak in body but sound of memory, do make and ordain this my last Will and Testament in manner and forme following:

“First, I bequeath my soule into the hands of Almight God and my body to be buried at the discretion of my executors hereby named, in hopes through the merrits of Jesus Christ to obtain a joyfull resurrection.”


George Washington, known as the "Father of Our Country," was a farmer, military officer, and the first President of the United States.

In 1753, at the age of 21 and with no previous military experience, he became a major in the Virginia militia during the French and Indian Wars. Within two years, he was in command of all the Virginia forces. In 1758, he was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses and left the army in order to serve in the House from 1759-1774.

He also served as vestryman in his Episcopal parish from 1763 to 1782.

In 1775, Washington was appointed military advisor for New York and was charged with defending New York from attack by the British, and within weeks, the Second Continental Congresss appointed him Commander-in-Chief of the entire military. Washington had not sought the position and he refused payment for it. In 1781, he forced the surrender of Cornwallis at Yorktown and won the war.

He was President of the Constitutional Convention of 1787, and served two terms as first President of the United States under the new Constitution. He declined to serve a third term, and retired to Mount Vernon in 1797 where he died of pneumonia two years later.

In his first general order to his own troops, General Washington said he called on:

‘Every officer and man...to live, and act, as becomes a Christian Soldier defending the dearest rights and liberties of his country.’

In a letter to all state governors in June, 1783, he wrote:

"I now make it my earnest prayer, that God would have you and the State over which you preside, in his holy protection, that he would incline the hearts of the Citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to Government--to entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another, for their fellow Citizens of the United States at large, and particularly for their Brethren who have served in the Field, and finally, that he would most graciously be pleased to dispose us all, to do Justice, to love Mercy, and to demean ourselves with that Charity, Humility, and Pacific temper of mind which were the Characteristicks of the Divine Author of our blessed Religion, and without an humble imitation of whose example in these things, we can never hope to be a Happy Nation."

In 1787, he warned the Constitutional Convention delegates:

“If to please the people, we offer what we ourselves disapprove, how can we afterward defend our work? Let us raise a standard to which the wise and the honest can repair; the event is in the Hand of God!”

In his famous Inaugural Address to both Houses of Congress, on April 30, 1789, with his hand on a Bible which was opened to Deuteronomy, Chapter 28, he said:

“Such being the impressions under which I have, in obedience to the public summons, repaired to the present station, it would be peculiarly improper to omit, in this first official act, my fervent supplications to that Almighty Being who rules over the universe, who presides in the councils of nations and whose providential aides can supply every human defect; that His benediction may consecrate to the liberties and happiness of the people of the United States a government instituted by themselves for these essential purposes; and may enable every instrument employed in its administration to execute with success, the functions allotted to his charge.

“In tendering this homage to the Great Author of every public and private good, I assure myself that it expresses your sentiments not less than my own; nor those of my fellow citizens at large, less than either.

“No people can be bound to acknowledge and adore the Invisible Hand which conducts the affairs of men more than the people of the United States. Every step by which they have advanced to the character of an independent nation seems to have been distinguished by some token of providential agency.

“And in the important revolution just accomplished, in the system of their United government, the tranquil deliberations and voluntary consent of so many distinct communities, from which the event has resulted, can not be compared with the means by which most governments have been established, without some return of pious gratitude, along with an humble anticipation of the future blessings which the past seem to presage ...

“We ought to be no less persuaded that the propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained; and since the preservation of the sacred fire of liberty and the destiny of the republican model of government are justly considered as deeply, perhaps finally, staked on the experiment.”

When he proclaimed a National Day of Thanksgiving, he said:

“Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor...

“Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the twenty-sixth day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these Unites States...that we then may all unite unto him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted; for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed...

“And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions...to promote the knowledge and practice of the true religion and virtue...

“Given under my hand, at the City of New York, the 3rd of October, A.D. 1789.”

Monday, September 24, 2012

Help us get Ava a Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber!

 
HELP US GET OUR LITTLE GIRL A HYBERBARIC CHAMBER!
 
Ainslee* is a 4 year old girl with severe cerebral palsy.  She suffered oxygen loss during her birth resulting in severe global brain damage.  Studies have shown extremely positive results in using oxygen therapy to help kids like her regain use of their reflexes.  She may not ever walk, but she may be able to eat by mouth or even learn to use a communication device.  She currently has the developmental level of a newborn baby, even though we know she is 'in there.'  I would love love love to get this for our baby!
 
Someone I know has a chamber they are selling for $11,200.  It would be nothing short of a miracle to raise the funds to buy this chamber, but that is what I am asking for.  A MIRACLE.  These chambers are well over $20,000 new, and this one is just gently used.  If we can get this chamber I am going to make it available to for others to use also!  These chambers can do so much! 
 
If you find yourself led to pledge a donation, please do so by writing or sending donations to:
 
Support Ainslee*
c/o Kenny and Vicki Ballenger
PO Box 253
Sunbury, Ohio 43074
 
Please click on the link below to read about the chambers.  
 
*We use pseudonyms for all of our kiddos, for their protection.  If you are interested in helping us
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Me? Homeschool?

 

It was late afternoon on what would be one of the hottest days on record, and I wanted desperately to get a shower, but our 5 week old son would not let me put him down-even for a minute.  On top of this, every time I settled down to nurse the baby, or do anything for that matter, our 6 year old son would decide he needed something right then.  I really needed some ‘me’ time.  It was at this time that my husband decided to hit me with a question that had been on both our minds…

“Have you thought anymore about home schooling?”

“YES,” I said, sounding frustrated.

“What are you thinking?”

“That I cannot add one more thing to my plate or I’ll go nuts,” I replied.  I began to feel that overwhelmed, panicky feeling creep in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me take you back to the beginning of this journey, to give you some insight into my world.  You see.  If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever consider home schooling my kids, or being a stay at home mom for that matter, I would have told you “No way!”

Before I go into detail, I want to warn you that some of the things I say may sound like I am bragging about my past career.  Not so.  I simply want to try to get you into my head and what this journey has been like.  Five years ago I was a Marketing Director for Toyota making a very comfortable salary and turning down job offers every day.  I was at the peak of my career.  Then on December 31, 2007, everything changed.

Our daughter Ava was supposed to be born at home.  We had done our research, hired a professional midwife that had delivered hundreds of babies, I had watched my eating, and had enjoyed good health.  But something had happened.  Her birth had taken a tragic turn and Ava was born without a heartbeat or respirations…completely lifeless, limp, and gray.  She had gone for almost 15 minutes without oxygen, and suffered severe, global brain damage.  On January 1, 2008, Ava was admitted to Nationwide Children’s Hospital, and would spend the next 13 weeks there just to become stable enough to bring home. 

I should mention that, prior to Ava’s birth, my husband and I lived paycheck to paycheck.  We shouldn’t have, mind you, we made plenty of money to save had we lived frugally.  But like a lot of people, we made money and we spent money.  So when our lives were turned upside down in 2008, our budget was already fragile…and this was the tipping point.  During Ava’s stay in the NICU, I attempted to work.  I came in as much as I could.  I didn’t want to stay home, I wanted to work.  I have heard many people complain about their jobs and how they hated going to work.  This wasn’t the case for me.  I liked my job.  I liked the people I worked with.  I liked my customers.  In no way did I picture myself ever doing anything but what I was doing.  You can ask anyone who worked with me, I was a die-hard Toyota fan, through and through!  I’m just trying to paint a picture for you.  I loved what I did!  So when in November of 2008, my manager informed me that they were doing away with my position I was crushed. 

I remember several years ago, I was having lunch with an advertising agent I knew.  He asked me to describe myself using one word.  The word I chose?  CONNECTED.  I was connected!  I knew people.  If you needed a realtor, I could hook you up.  If you needed concert tickets, I knew someone to call.  And the list goes on.  So upon finding out about losing my job, I started contacting my ‘connections.’  Every one I contacted was a dead end road.  I had gone from turning down job offers, to not even being able to score an interview.  After finally getting an interview at a local dealer group, I was again let down when they told me they were temporarily freezing all hiring.

It was weird.  No one was hiring.  It was as if every door had been closed.  So I succumbed, begrudgingly I admit, to staying at home ‘for awhile’ as I liked to tell people.  When people asked me if I was a stay-at-home-mom I would quickly correct them.  “I am interviewing,” I would say.  I continued to send out resumes, and nothing.  I remember one time I got a phone call from a dealer in Delaware, it was the General Manager.  I’ll never forget what he said.  “I just had to call you because your resume was so impressive,” he said, “you should be running your own dealership!  Unfortunately I don’t think I can afford you, but best of luck to you.”  “Great,” I thought, “well at least I impressed him even if he didn’t offer me a job.”  

Then in early 2009, the bank repossessed our home as part of the bankruptcy, and we moved.  Shortly after the move I hit a wall, emotionally.  I had been sending out resumes for months and nothing was happening.  Meanwhile we were experiencing horrific problems with Ava’s nursing schedule.  Nurses were coming in late, calling off, no one would work holidays, and there were many ‘holes’ in the schedule.  “I couldn’t get a job even if I wanted one right now,” I thought to myself one day.  Friends and family would often ask me when I would be returning to work, and I always felt obligated to give them an answer.  After all, I didn’t have the mindset of a stay-at-home mom!  I mean, it might be for some women, but not me! 

It was the summer of 2009 that I decided to go to nursing school.  I had been told about a grant being offered to displaced auto workers (that was me) that would pay for schooling to go into a different field.  Kenny and I decided that nursing was a good, long-term decision, since Ava would likely need nursing care her entire life.  So back to college I went.  It took me two years to complete my schooling and get my nursing degree.  During this time I often contemplated what I would do with my degree.  Hospital?  Home health?  Maybe even Ava’s nurse?  I went to school more for the long term benefits I guess.  I did not have a definitive plan for when I graduated.

Almost exactly two months after graduating from nursing school, my son was diagnosed with autism.  It was a huge blow.  I felt I was just getting back to my feet from Ava’s tragic birth, and then to have this diagnosis handed down…it was a breaking point.  The psychologist who diagnosed him was a cocky idiot, just to add salt to the wound.  He informed me that Aohdan would need to attend OT and Speech therapy, along with special social groups, and the list went on and one.  At this point in time, I have ‘lived’ with nurses in our home an average of 12 hours/day, 7/days a week.  I had learned to hide my feelings.  Anyone who knows me, knows I am a private person.  I don’t like people to know my business, and I don’t like a lot of attention.  I’m a ‘cry in private’ type of person.  I’ve always been that way.  So when Aohdan was diagnosed as autistic, I put on a strong façade and went about my business.  But in private I was an absolute wreck.  I remember one time in particular I was in the shower and started thinking, then crying, then sobbing, then completely collapsed, hanging-from-the-towel-rack sobbing.  “Why God?  Why BOTH of my babies?  Can’t I just enjoy ONE healthy child that doesn’t need to have multiple doctors?”  I was having a serious pity party.

After Aohdan’s diagnosis I felt overwhelmed with Dr’s appointments.  I mean Ava has always kept us busy, but now with Aohdan going to OT and a special autism Doc..well..it took it to a whole new level.  Between Aohdan and Ava, I was making 2-3, and sometimes 4 trips to Columbus every. single. week.  This whole time people were still asking me, “So, are you going to go back to work?”  Harmless comments mind you.  But each time they would ask me I would start over with the self-condemning thoughts of, “I need to find a job.”  Meanwhile Aohdan is getting ready to start Kindergarten.  I had talked to multiple parents about what to ask for on his IEP, and went into his first IEP meeting [I thought] very prepared.  I gave the staff all the written recommendations from medical professionals and was abruptly told that the OT and Speech recommendations could not be met due to ‘lack of staff.’  This was the same response for several other items we requested.  ‘Lack of staff,’ and, ‘lack of funding,’ were given as the reasons my son was not offered better services.

Friends and family offered reassurance.  “He’ll be fine.  He’s a smart kid.”  This was one of the problems I was encountering.  You see, Aohdan appeared on the surface to very ‘typical,’ but it was when you tried to engage him in conversation, or when you observed him playing with peers his own age that his quirks showed.  Believe me when I tell you that every autism mom wants to hear that her child is doing well in school and playing well with other kids.  We WANT to hear that they don’t stand out.  But I’m also not a mom to live in denial that my child has an area that he needs help in.  The school system spent his entire Kindergarten year blowing smoke up my you-know-what.  By years’ end I had had my fill.  Something had to change.  I had been warned by other moms whose kiddos were on IEP’s that it would be a battle uphill until he graduated.  I didn’t want to fight anymore.  I felt as if I had been fighting since the day Ava was born.  I was tired of fighting.

Before I tell you the rest of the story, I want to first tell you that my husband and I are born again Christians.  It is important to us that our children grow up with a biblical view of our world, and an education that includes God.  We knew this would not happen in a public school setting, but we figured that we would incorporate it at some point.  So one night as I was venting to Kenny about my woes with the school system, he asked me, “Have you thought about home schooling?”  I just stared at him.  "Me?  Homeschool mom?”  It went against everything I had ever pictured myself doing.  I mean.  I still had this mindset that I was a displaced executive and that it was just a matter of time before I found a job back in the car business, or found a great nursing job.  I was not ready to give up on the idea of going back to work.  Besides, I felt as if everyone was whispering behind my back, “Vicki went to all that trouble to get her nursing degree and now she’s not even working in her field.”  I knew how people thought.  I had heard them talk about others in the same manner, why wouldn’t they talk about me the same?  I have always struggled with caring too much about what others think.  And I felt like people would not respect me, or talk about me behind my back, if I stayed home.  I felt I needed that ‘approval’ from others.  Our parents had raised us to ‘work hard’ and my mom even set a high standard by raising us kids and all the while working as a waitress.  I felt I was not contributing to society if I ‘just stayed home.’ I had worked my whole life up to this point.  I wasn’t ready to ‘give up everything’ to stay at home.  What I failed to take into consideration was how hard I worked and how there were many days I yearned to be back at my old desk at Germain Toyota selling cars and making deals.  I missed it.  I felt like I could only gain peoples’ respect if I was hoofing it to work 5-6 days a week and earning a paycheck.  My mindset was still on my ‘old’ life.  You know, the life that God had closed a door on several years prior?

So to continue…

Two days after Aohdan’s last day of school, Kenny and I welcomed our third child.  Little Anson.  The timing was perfect.  Aohdan was able to finish school, and we were able to enjoy our summer together as a family without distractions.  It was awesome.  But all too soon it was time for Aohdan to go back to school.  Summer had gone by so fast!  A week before school began, I went to open house to meet his teacher, and that is when I discovered that every single person that Aohdan had gotten to know and trust from last year had been traded to other school districts when the levy failed.  The principle, Special Ed teacher, his Aide, and Kindergarten teacher…all gone.  I have never gotten into politics much (until recently) but my husband explained to me that what had happened at our school district was just a piece of what was to come.  School was not like it was when I was a kid, it is a whole different animal out there. 

Aohdan had not even been in school two weeks and the trouble began.  No communication between myself and the teacher, the administrator wasn’t returning my emails, and it appeared there were no small groups set up.  This is just a few of the issues that we were up against.  But the final straw for me was when Aohdan came home one day with math homework and cried the whole time.  He looked at me with tears rolling down his face and says, “I can’t do it at school either mommy.”  I just grabbed him and hugged him.  So the next morning I called the school and spoke to the special ed coordinator, who told me that “Aohdan does not qualify for academic services on his IEP.”  That was it.  I was SO done with these people.  Fight?!  Like this?!  For the next eleven years?  I don’t think so. 

That night when I went to bed, God did something wonderful.  He led me to website after website with answers to questions about how to get through to a child like Aohdan.  He showed me that not only was public school not serving Aohdan, it was actually getting in the way.  He showed me very clearly, that I was supposed to home school Aohdan, and that He would make a way for it to happen.  My biggest barrier to home schooling was my own fear of letting Aohdan down..not being a good ‘teacher.’  But I have discovered that he wants his momma to teach him.  That same math that made him cry?  God showed me to use the number line to provide a visual aid for addition and subtraction.  I laid in bed with the iPad until 4:30 am that morning, just going from website to website.  I announced to Kenny the next morning that we were going to homeschool.  Starting NOW. 

When I actually made the decision to move ahead with home schooling, an incredible peace came over me.  It was as if a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders.  I’ve even noticed a difference in Aohdan’s attitude as well.  We’ve only had two home school days, but already Aohdan is asking me, “Mommy, are we doing school today?”  He loves it!  And I am SO pumped about all the cool things he gets to do now that he is not held back by going to public school.  I had to come a point in my life where I had allowed the opinions of others to create a burden that was so heavy I would lay in bed and just sob.  I mean cry so hard, and for so long, that they would be swollen the next day. 

I have allowed the opinions of others to block the blessing that God had for me and my family.  I now am starting to see the bigger picture.  I am excited to let Him lead me in educating our children.  I am proud to say I am a stay-at-home mommy.  I am currently back in school (online) to get my Bachelor of Nursing degree, and am fitting that in with home schooling Aohdan, taking Ava to all of her clinic appointments, and breastfeeding my newborn son.  I do plan on going back to work one day, but I am no longer stressing about it. 

My journey from Marketing Director to Stay at home mom has been a long, arduous one.  And I have kicked and screamed like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, wanting my old life back.  I have finally come to a place in my life where I am at peace, and am learning to love the blessing God has given me and my family.  This is not to say there will not be days that I still yearn for the ‘simpler’ times, but hearing my baby boy say to me, “Come on mommy, let’s go do some math,” this makes it all worth while.  So we have officially begun this journey called ‘Home School’ and I am excited to see where it will take us.  I hope to post about our adventures along the way!

God Bless,

Vicki

Friday, September 7, 2012

My Precious

      
 
Any nursing mother knows that her breasts become the personal property of her infant.  I am no different.  When we came home with little Anson, breast feeding was frustrating to say the least.  My milk did not come in until day 4, and with him being a big baby, he was Hungry!  The first couple of days home, I literally fed him every hour.  I was so tempted to give him formula just so he could get a belly full of food and I could SLEEP!  But my milk did come in, and breastfeeding did work out—very well in fact.  I love the connection it has given me with my baby.  The best times are when he wakes up early in the morning and he has been asleep for 6-8 hours.  He is Hungry and happy all at the same time.  When I hear him wake up and walk over and look into his crib and he sees me and starts grinning and pumping his little arms and legs.  It absolutely melts my heart.

There is another side to this story.  My husband and the nurses.  You see, we live with 4 nurses 12 hours a day, from 8am to 8pm.  When I was pregnant with Anson, myself and the nursing staff used to love to torture Kenny.  We would pick random names from Harry Potter and tell him that’s what we were naming the baby.  My favorite was when Jennifer announced to Kenny one morning that she didn’t care what the baby’s name was, SHE was calling him Dumbledore…LOL.  Yes.  Kenny has inherited 4 sisters.  And they all torture each other.  When you see someone that much, you are bound to become family to a certain extent.  And I love to laugh.  There are plenty of opportunities in our life to be serious.  So I love to laugh and joke when possible.  And there is a LOT of laughter in our home! 

So let’s talk about my wonderful husband.  He has come up with about a gazillion nick names for me since becoming a nursing mom.  Some of my favorites are:  The Milk Factory, Public Utilities, The Keeper of the Boobs, The Keeper of the Milk…Oh.  And he refers to them as “Barrels,” ..as in shotgun barrels.  For example, if the baby continues to cry after eating, he will ask me, “Did you give him one barrel or two?”  To which I reply, “what am I, a shotgun?!”  One day I had been nursing constantly, had not showered or changed clothes, had very little sleep, and realized I had been walking around the house with my shirt was down around my waist.  The nurses and Kenny often ask me why I even bother wearing a shirt at home.  Welcome to my world. 

So back to the little Anson.  He absolutely, 100% loves nursing.  It really is so sweet.  Him and my boobs have this ‘thing’ going.  It is like they are best friends.  He eats from them, he likes to fall asleep next to them, and when he’s not eating he likes to caress them.  I know TMI right?  Which brings me to today.  Anson had been asleep for a few hours and the ‘girls’ needed a pressure release.  So I waited as long as I could and then decided to go pump.  Go figure as Soon as I finish pumping he wakes up and is ravenously hungry.  So I put him to ‘barrel #1’ which he empties quickly and promptly starts punching (yes punching) my boob.  So I put him on barrel #2 , which doesn’t cooperate very well at times, and he gets mad and starts to head butt my boob.  When he realizes that both barrels are empty, he lets loose this pathetic, ear-piercing cry.  He was seriously heart-broken that his boobies were not giving him what he wanted.  Thank goodness the nurse sees what is going on and offers to put the milk I had just expressed into a bottle for him.

So a few minutes later he is happily taking his bottle, but stops after about 2 ounces and grins at me with milk running down his chin.  Of course I am relishing in this moment with my baby and am off in my own little world.  So I put the bottle on the table and he starts caressing Barrel #1 (his favorite boob) and looks up at me grinning.  Then back to the boob.  Then he starts pulling at my tank top.   “Awww, okay sweetie, Mommy will give you some boobie,” I say in my sweetest baby talk.  So I pull down my tank top, put him in position, and he actually giggles in anticipation.  Seriously.  My 3 month old baby giggles in anticipation of my boob.  I.  Love.  It.  So I am relishing in this moment of oneness with my baby as he coos and caresses ‘His’ boobie…  in the background I hear the nurse say, in her best Lord of the Rings voice. “Myyyyy precious….”  as she voices over the moment.  I look over and jokingly glare as she explains, "I couldn't help it, he was rubbing your boob like that little dude in Lord of the Rings."  Moment ruined.  Lol.  This is our worldJ  It may be crazy, but we try to have fun.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

So Proud!

Today I witnessed something extraordinary!  Well, to some parents it may have been no big deal, but to Kenny and I it was nothing short of seeing a new child emerging! 

Today, while sitting in church, they brought all the kids that attended Vacation Bible School up onto the stage to do a short program.  Aohdan has always been PERTRIFED of stuff like this!  When he was 3 years old we tried to make him go up on stage with the other kids to sing Christmas carols....it was a disaster.  Kenny felt he should be shown 'tough love' and made him stay up there, thinking it was just something he had to work through, and the whole time I'm watching in tears myself.  I remember that day as a low point for him, and for us.  For the next 2 years he would cry and cover his ears any time he experienced anything new.  One time we all went to our county fair to watch the school bus races.  Aohdan cried and whined about the noise the ENTIRE TIME!  It was horrible for me, people were staring at us....uugghh. 

Back to today...  Our youth pastor's wife was heading to the stage for a Vacation Bible School program (unbeknownst to us) and as she walked by she sort of stooped over, grabbed Aohdan by the arm (gently) and said to him, "come on Aohdan." And he went with her.  Just like that.  I just stared as they walked away.  As I watched him on stage, I think I braced myself for a meltdown...it didn't happen.  Instead he looked over at my husband and I as he sang and danced with the other kids on stage.  All the while smiling at us.  I was SO PROUD of him!  When they finished he came back his seat next to ours and I just hugged him and told him I loved him.  He looked so happy! 


Monday, June 18, 2012

Anson’s Birth Story (*caution* Story contains graphic details of 3rd child’s birth)


Before I begin, I think it is important to give a little background into our lives leading up to the birth of our third child, Anson.  You see, on New Year’s Eve, 2007, my husband and I were laboring with our second child, a little girl we had named Ava.  It was a planned home birth.  After a difficult 16 hour labor, over 2 hours of pushing, and heart rate decelerations, the decision was made to transfer to the closest hospital.  En route to the hospital, we completely lost Ava’s heart beat.  She ended up being delivered in the ER, with forceps, no anesthetic, fundal pressure, and all of this with no pain medication whatsoever.  After Ava’s birth my poor body took months to heal from the physical trauma, and even longer to heal from the emotional trauma.  The kind Dr who delivered her explained to us that she had a lot going against her; she was in a posterior position, and had the umbilical cord around her neck 3x.  He advised us not to beat ourselves up over what had happened, because it very well could have ended up the same way had we already been at the hospital.  Needless to say our little girl ended up with a severe brain injury from the lack of oxygen, and today is dependent upon a ventilator to breathe, and depends on a home health nurse (and us) for everything. 
To say our lives changed would be an understatement.  I quietly hoped that some day I would have the chance to do it again.  Ava was my daughter and I loved her dearly.  But I yearned to end my child bearing years on a positive note.  In October 2011, I would see that wish become reality.  My husband and I had decided to quit using birth control and just ‘see what happened.’  I literally became pregnant with the month.  I was so excited!  I just KNEW God would bless me with a problem-free, amazing pregnancy also! …..Uhhh…WRONG!  Let me just stop here for a moment and confide a little something.  Because we had been through so much with Ava’s birth, I guess I sort of felt I deserved a perfect pregnancy.  So when, at 6 weeks, morning sickness hit with a vengeance, I was bummed to say the least.  I had morning (noon & night) sickness until the 7th month of pregnancy, severe shortness of breath, pregnancy induced sleep apnea, and my entire pelvis just ached constantly.  I seriously felt like a big wimp.  The OB I was going to just added to my pregnancy blahs by reciting the same tired line at every appointment, “Well Mrs. Ballenger, you ARE advanced maternal age.  That’s not saying you’re old…”  At 30 weeks gestation I was really starting to worry about delivery with this Dr.  So after a long talk with a close friend who is also a midwife, I made the easy decision to switch to a practice in Westerville, Ohio.  Over the course of the next 10 weeks I would meet with Becky, Emily, and Cassandra, all of whom were so friendly and warm.  Never one time did they focus on the fact that I was ‘advanced maternal age,’ or make me feel like a high-risk mom. 
So in week 38 I was given an ultrasound to check baby’s size and position.  All appeared good!  Becky said that baby was in a good position for delivery (which was important to know since my last baby was posterior and had gotten wedged in my birth canal) and looked to be around 8 pounds.  She also asked if I had been having any contractions.  I told her I had been having strong Braxton hicks for several weeks.  When she asked if I wanted checked I agreed as I was curious if all this ‘warm up’ stuff had accomplished anything.  When she checked me she said I was a “good 3 maybe 4cm and 80% effaced.”  I still didn’t get too excited because I had been 4cm and 80% with my daughter and had to have my membranes swept to get labor going.  When I told my husband and few close friends about my progress, they all said I would have a quick labor.  I just didn’t feel that way, or maybe I didn’t want to get my hopes up, either way I didn’t allow myself to get too excited.  It is probably worth mentioning at this time that I had battled anxiety over this birth the entire pregnancy.  I tried not to allow what happened with my daughter affect my feelings toward this birth…but it did.  No matter how hard I tried to block it out, it was always there, lingering in the background, I woke up the morning of my due date with no signs whatsoever of impending labor.  I decided I would not worry about it.  Women went over their due date all the time, and if I did…so what?  So I got my 6yo ready and headed to Polaris for his 9:30am Occupational Therapy appointment.  I think his therapist was slightly surprised to see me, and jokingly said as we were leaving, “Your water will break when you get home.”  I laughed it off and told her I would see her at our next appointment.  My son was focused on the ice cream cone I promised him if he was good, so we drove through McDonald’s for ice cream and continued on our way home, both of us enjoying a vanilla cone.  As we turned into our driveway (time was approx. 11:00am) I grabbed my purse and jumped out of our truck.  And I do mean this literally, I drive a 4x4 Suburban so there is a little distance from the truck to the ground.  When my feet hit the ground I felt a slight twinge of pain in my pelvis, but didn’t pay it much mind since my pelvis had been hurting from the 6th month on.  I walked into the house through the garage entrance, and as I walked up the steps into the kitchen I felt as if I had slime in my pants.  Sorry for the TMI.  All the sudden I just felt weird, I can’t even explain it.  I wasn’t contracting at all, I was in no pain…I just felt odd.  I headed towards the stairs and our bedroom.  My husband was standing at the foot of the stairs talking to my daughter’s nurse as I walked by.  He must have noticed the serious look on my face because he asked me if I was ok.  I didn’t even answer, I just headed to our bedroom.  As soon as I walked into our room, I stripped off my jeans and underwear and sat on the toilet.  I heard a ‘PLOP’ and looked down to see the remainder of my mucous plug.  At the same time I noticed I was leaking amniotic fluid.  I also felt like I had to poo and, for a moment, sat there waiting for it to come.  All of a sudden I stood up thinking that kind of ‘pressure’ could also be the baby’s head.  As soon as I stood up I had a very mild, but definite contraction.  I decided to call the OB office.  When I called I was connected to Emily who asked me a few questions about my contractions and such.  I knew she was also listening to how well I talked through my contractions.  At that time I was barely in any pain at all, but I did tell her that I was feeling anxious and wanted to go ahead and come in.  She said that was fine and would let the hospital know we were on our way.  About that time my husband comes up just in time to witness me grab the bottom of my stomach with another contraction that took my breath away.  I whispered to him, “We need to go.”  He was evidently already on it and was getting the truck loaded.  I went ahead and got dressed, walked down the stairs, and started putting my shoes on.  Our home health nurse was trying to joke with me about something, I don’t think she realized how quickly things were picking up.  I headed out to the Suburban where my husband had everything packed and ready and was hit by another contraction.  “These are getting close,” I thought to myself.  After it passed I climbed into the truck and pulled up a contraction timer app I had downloaded for my phone and started timing them.  I also sent out a text message to close friends and family, letting them know things were starting.  About 10 minutes into the trip I noticed my contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasting 45sec to 1 minute.  I sent a message to my doula friend to let her know things were progressing quickly.  She was already on her way.
So we pull up in the maternity turn around at St. Ann’s Hospital and I get out and start to walk inside.  I am stopped in my tracks by another contraction.  My husband by now has a concerned look on his face.  When the contraction passes I send Kenny back to the truck to get my purse as I continue on into the maternity lobby.  As I walk inside I see a man sitting at a desk and start to ask him where to go when I am hit by another contraction.  This time the contraction makes me double over.  This kind man could see I was in very active labor and goes to get a wheelchair.  Bless him for doing that!!  As I sit down in the wheelchair, my husband arrives back inside, and all of us take the elevator to L&D.  We go up to the desk to check in, and by now I cannot find a comfortable position.  Sitting hurts, standing hurts, everything hurts.  I am doing my best to answer the receptionist’s questions, but am struggling big time.  My sweet husband sees this and is doing most of it for me.  As I am leaning over the counter I look down and notice beads of sweat on my hands.  “Holy cow,” I thought, “when did I start sweating?!”  After what seemed an eternity they finally took my back to triage.  As I walked into my triage room I looked up to see Emily walk in.  I was SO happy she was there.  Evidently my doula had called her and informed her that my labor was progressing quickly.  She checked me and announced I was 5-6cm and 100% effaced.  I know this sounds strange to say, but I was not phased by that.  During my daughter’s birth I was stuck at 5-6cm for almost 12 hours.  All I could see what dealing with these contractions for several more hours and I felt myself start to get slightly panicked. 
Anson_labor1  Anson_labor2
After Emily checked me I was escorted to a L&D room, and was pretty bummed to find there was no tub.  I was, yet again, experiencing back labor, and had been really looking forward to the warm water.  Oh well, I thought, the shower will feel nice too!  Emily said they needed to get a 20 minute strip on the baby and then I was free to assume any laboring position I wanted.  I remember looking at my nurse and telling her I would get into bed but I would not be laying on my back.  So I basically got on my hands and knees and clung to the head of the bed and rode out the contractions this way while they hooked up an IV line and monitored the baby.  Once they were satisfied that the baby looked good I was cleared to get in the shower.  Oh man the water felt good!  My sweet husband stood right beside me making sure the water was the right temperature and that it was hitting my back where the pain was.  I stood this way through about 3-4 contractions, all of the sudden I could no longer get comfortable.  I felt that panicky feeling coming back.  I asked Kenny to go get Emily.  When she came in I told her I did not mean to sound whiney but I really didn’t think I could handle 12 more hours of this pain and that I wanted to scrap my plans for a natural birth and get an epidural.  You see I was still thinking that this was going to be long like my daughter’s labor.  Emily smiled and said she didn’t think it would be 12 more hours and said she could check me to see how I was progressing.  I came out of the shower announcing to my doula that I was getting an epidural and how sorry I was to disappoint everyone.  (snicker snicker).  I think every one in that room saw that I was in transition except for me.  Emily checked me and found me to be 8cm and 100% effaced.  She said it would take at least 45 minutes to get an epidural going, and that I would have to have 2 bags of fluid beforehand.  So I go ahead and crawl back into bed and find a somewhat comfortable position and wait for the nurse to hook up my IV fluid.  (snicker snicker again)  I was in such denial, ha-ha.  So as I’m riding through wave after wave, I notice the pressure in my bum building and building and next thing I know I start curling around my belly and pushing for all I’m worth.  I pushed for awhile side lying.  Then pushed through a few contractions squatting.  It didn’t feel like anything was happening.  Emily wanted to check my again, and when she did found there was a lip of cervix left.  She said she would hold it back the next time I pushed.  This worked, and I immediately felt the baby move down.  Once I felt him start moving down the urge to push really became strong.  I remember very vividly when his head went under my pubic bone, and I could not stop pushing.  I remember Emily asking me if I was having a contraction, and I replied, “Nooooo” in this grunty, I-am-pushing-anyway voice.  I felt his head slip out and I thought it was almost over.  Wrong.  Next thing I know I can feel Emily trying to free the baby’s shoulder and I knew right away what was happening.  His shoulder was stuck.  As a nurse myself, I knew he had to be born quickly or there was a big risk of oxygen deprivation.  I remember at that moment I went into like an animal mode.  I pushed for all I was worth.  I was damned if anything was going to happen to this baby!  It felt like an eternity, but in reality his shoulder was stuck for 90 seconds.  Emily freed him and laid him on my belly.  I remember I just laid back on the bed and kept rubbing my sweet baby and saying “Thank you” over and over again.  I am not sure who I was thanking.  Maybe God, maybe Emily, maybe both?  I just know that there was such a sense of relief that no words can describe.  My baby was here and he was breathing and healthy. 
Anson_labor3  Anson_labor4
As Emily was working on me and making sure I was okay, everyone in the room turned their attention to newborn Anson.  My doula was the first to say it, “He looks big, he’s no 7 pounder, more like 9.”  We held off weighing him until we had taken plenty of time to bond and breastfeed.  Finally after an hour, the nurse put him on the scale… 9lb, 1.6oz. 
Anson_labor5
Phew!  Had I really given birth naturally to a 9+ pound baby?!  With no tears?!  Oh and I forgot to mention Anson’s time of birth…2:42pm.  Just over 3 hours from the first phone call I made to Emily.  I suddenly felt like I had just conquered the world.  So in the end God DID bless us with a beautiful, natural birth and a healthy baby.  Thank you Emily, and the rest of the staff and Women’s Contemporary Health Care, for being a part of our miracleSmile