This is a deeply personal post. It has taken me years to get to this point. The main reason is that, being a Christian, I am constantly fearful of those dreaded words by a non-believer of, "You're a hypocrite!" Because of the sensitivity of this post, any negative posts will not be allowed.
Ok. Here goes.
The reason I am adamantly against abortion...is because I have endured this procedure. It happened in my early 20's. I was in a different place in life, and my worldview was drastically different. It has taken me years to get to a point where I can even begin to forgive myself. Christ has forgiven me, this I know. But I battle every day to receive that forgiveness. I felt led to share my story because so many young women out there feel this is their only way out. Please believe me when I tell you that you don't want to go through life with this burden on your shoulders. I hated myself. Truly hated myself.
I became a born again Christian in the summer of 2003, just months before I lost my mom. Once I gave my life to the Lord I began attending church services at a local church. My walk with God was a struggle to say the least. It has taken me years to realize that my years of partying and partaking in things I should not have, really hindered my walk with Christ. I was so bound up in my own guilt that I couldn't truly allow God in to my heart.
To give a little bit a background, I come from an awesome family AND I grew up in the church. So don't think us 'church kids' are immune! But because I grew up knowing better, I think my self-condemnation was a bit heavier. My mom was such an awesome example of a loving, caring, Christian. I hid everything from her. I didn't want her to be ashamed of me. So I hid my early sexual experiences. I hid my smoking from her, cigarettes and marijuana. I lived under this pseudo façade of this good little girl. When mom found out I had an abortion she. was. crushed. And I was crushed. I was ashamed. But like so many things I just shoved it under the rug. I built a wall around it and pretended it didn't happen. But it was always there, lingering just under the surface.
After some years went by, it had almost become so distant a memory that I felt it was buried for good. Then one day I am sitting at work and I received a phone call from a friend I had known from "those" years. She was pregnant and wanted to know if I could refer her to a reputable abortion clinic. She was one of the few people who I had told about it and now wanted me to 'refer' her to a good abortion Doctor. I actually felt sick to my stomach. I asked her why she wanted an abortion. Her response was short and curt. She had that same emotionless reaction that I had had years ago. I was sick with guilt. I told her how much my decision years ago had impacted me and asked her to reconsider. I can only hope and pray that she listened.
Fast forward to Ava's birth.
When my daughter was born with no signs of life in 2007, my long buried guilt reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting at her bedside and listening to a Doctor tell me she probably would not survive the next three days. My husband and I had decided to have a home birth. We had put a lot of careful thought into our decision. I had a healthy pregnancy. We had a back up plan. But family members and friends still expressed concern that something would go wrong and we were putting our baby's life at risk. Guess what was going through my head when I was listening to the Doctor tell me that my daughter would more than likely die? I blamed myself. Oh man did I blame myself. I also allowed myself to feel that I deserved this because I had killed my baby years ago. The guilt was incredible, and it was only my love of my husband and son, and my love of Christ, that I didn't just kill myself. There were many, many days that I wished I would just go to sleep and not wake up. I didn't feel I deserved to live. The self condemnation was a heavy, heavy burden.
As a born again believer, I believe in Heaven and hell. I believe there is a spiritual battle going on and the devil was having a hay day with me. The Bible tells us that Jesus came to bring us life to the fullest, and the devil came only to steal, kill, and destroy. Satan wants to keep us in condemnation. He doesn't want any of us fully receiving the Grace that Jesus died to give all of us. After Ava's birth I had a real hard time receiving any of this grace. I hated myself, and I told Kenny this many times. I know at times he was deeply worried about me. I wouldn't have killed myself, but I can tell you there were days I wanted to die. There were many nights that my husband would hold me in his arms while I cried so hard my eyes felt like they would explode. He would ask me to tell him what lies satan was telling me so that he could pray over me and ask the Lord to remove the lies from my mind. These were dark, dark times.
During all of this it seemed our church started talking about abortion a lot. Talking about how wrong it was, and how we needed to stop killing babies. These words resonated in my head over and over. All I heard was "killing babies." I was one of those. Now this was my perception. It was kind of like when you buy a new car, all the sudden you start to see them everywhere. It is just how our minds work. Because I had had an abortion, it seemed I heard this topic come up everywhere. The feelings I had suppressed for so long finally came rushing to the surface and one night as I was laying in bed, I burst into tears and, through sobs, told my husband what I had done years ago. Of course he didn't hold it against me, and prayed over me that I would receive the love of Christ and His forgiveness. It was a relief for sure. But there was still a nagging in my heart that there was more I had to do. Every time I saw a newspaper article or Facebook post about some anti-abortion movement, I found myself hesitant to share because I didn't want someone who knew about my past to see it and think I was being a hypocrite. But God kept tugging at my heart. I knew He wanted me to share my story and my struggles. I knew I had to share my story, but I was petrified of the condemnation and what others would think of me.
My purpose of sharing this story is two-fold. First I want women who are contemplating having an abortion to really, really think and pray about your decision. It will forever change your life and you will never be the same. No matter your reasons, trust me you are not prepared for the emotional chasm it leaves on your soul. I know I am forgiven, but I am forever changed because of my decision. Secondly, as with any sin, just because it is legal in terms of the law, does not make it right in the eyes of God. All these human rights groups talk about Pro Choice. And I supported this for years. But I cannot support this.
Abortion is not the only sin I have committed. If I were judged by God's law (the Ten Commandments) I am probably guilty of breaking just about every one. I've lied, I've disrespected my parents, I've committed sexual immorality, and there is many more. But here is the kicker. In the spring of 2003, my mom had confronted me about my faith.
She point blank asked me one day, "if you were to die tonight, do you think you would go to heaven?"
Her question really riled me, "Sure I am," I replied.
"How do you know?" She said.
(Here it comes)
"Because I am a good person," I told her.
Let me just make this point.
You see I had spent my whole life telling people I was a Christian, yet all the while just not getting it. You see, you cannot just pick parts of the bible to live by and discard the rest. You either BELIEVE or you don't. There is no in between. I used to believe all my friends were going to heaven. I believed my Muslim, Buddhist, wiccan, etc etc. I believed they were all going. But the bible is very clear on this point. Jesus said, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." It wasn't until the summer of 2003 that I really embraced this. You see, we are all sinners. There is a lot of chatter these days about homosexuals and the liberals hate the conservatives, and the gay and lesbian groups hate the Christians. Bottom line is that we are all sinners and need the Grace of our Lord. He is there for all of us.
I keep finding myself getting into these stupid debates with homosexuals, and being accused of things that I am not. At the core of my belief system is a desire to live according to God's will for my life. Do I mess up? Absolutely. But it is my desire to live by His rules, not man's rules, because man's rules are static. There are no boundaries any more.
So back to my mom...
She just shook her head when I told her I was good enough to get into heaven. It took me awhile to realize the absolute absurdity of what I said. Was I for real?? A girl who had dabbled in sexual promiscuity, had had an abortion, had done drugs..did I really think I was good enough. It took me being brought to my knees as a broken women to realize how much I needed a Savior. I needed Jesus. I finally asked my mom if there was someone I could talk to. She sent me to talk to a pastor friend of hers and he ultimately led me through repentance and the sinner's prayer. It was life changing. But it doesn't make me better than you or anyone. It just makes me forgiven.
There are topics I am passionate about, but it usually revolves around my belief in a Christian worldview. It guides my decisions, my marriage, how we are raising our children, everything. The Lord picked me up when I was completely broken. He showed me His love in a dream one night, and He assured me He would always be with me. And I believe Him. But I still live in a broken world, and I am human. I battle just like everyone else. I battle feeling angry that two of my children struggle with disabilities, I battle anger, I battle independence. I battle a lot of things. I. Am. Not. Perfect. But I am forgiven in Christ.
If you know anyone who has had, or is thinking of having, an abortion, please have them email me. It is a burden no one should carry. Every life is a miracle, and every baby is a blessing. I thank God every day that I have three beautiful children, because I believed for years that I didn't deserve to have children.
Again, this post is highly personal, but I felt led to share my story. There are too many babies being aborted and too many women living in shame as a result.
Ok. Here goes.
The reason I am adamantly against abortion...is because I have endured this procedure. It happened in my early 20's. I was in a different place in life, and my worldview was drastically different. It has taken me years to get to a point where I can even begin to forgive myself. Christ has forgiven me, this I know. But I battle every day to receive that forgiveness. I felt led to share my story because so many young women out there feel this is their only way out. Please believe me when I tell you that you don't want to go through life with this burden on your shoulders. I hated myself. Truly hated myself.
I became a born again Christian in the summer of 2003, just months before I lost my mom. Once I gave my life to the Lord I began attending church services at a local church. My walk with God was a struggle to say the least. It has taken me years to realize that my years of partying and partaking in things I should not have, really hindered my walk with Christ. I was so bound up in my own guilt that I couldn't truly allow God in to my heart.
To give a little bit a background, I come from an awesome family AND I grew up in the church. So don't think us 'church kids' are immune! But because I grew up knowing better, I think my self-condemnation was a bit heavier. My mom was such an awesome example of a loving, caring, Christian. I hid everything from her. I didn't want her to be ashamed of me. So I hid my early sexual experiences. I hid my smoking from her, cigarettes and marijuana. I lived under this pseudo façade of this good little girl. When mom found out I had an abortion she. was. crushed. And I was crushed. I was ashamed. But like so many things I just shoved it under the rug. I built a wall around it and pretended it didn't happen. But it was always there, lingering just under the surface.
After some years went by, it had almost become so distant a memory that I felt it was buried for good. Then one day I am sitting at work and I received a phone call from a friend I had known from "those" years. She was pregnant and wanted to know if I could refer her to a reputable abortion clinic. She was one of the few people who I had told about it and now wanted me to 'refer' her to a good abortion Doctor. I actually felt sick to my stomach. I asked her why she wanted an abortion. Her response was short and curt. She had that same emotionless reaction that I had had years ago. I was sick with guilt. I told her how much my decision years ago had impacted me and asked her to reconsider. I can only hope and pray that she listened.
Fast forward to Ava's birth.
When my daughter was born with no signs of life in 2007, my long buried guilt reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting at her bedside and listening to a Doctor tell me she probably would not survive the next three days. My husband and I had decided to have a home birth. We had put a lot of careful thought into our decision. I had a healthy pregnancy. We had a back up plan. But family members and friends still expressed concern that something would go wrong and we were putting our baby's life at risk. Guess what was going through my head when I was listening to the Doctor tell me that my daughter would more than likely die? I blamed myself. Oh man did I blame myself. I also allowed myself to feel that I deserved this because I had killed my baby years ago. The guilt was incredible, and it was only my love of my husband and son, and my love of Christ, that I didn't just kill myself. There were many, many days that I wished I would just go to sleep and not wake up. I didn't feel I deserved to live. The self condemnation was a heavy, heavy burden.
As a born again believer, I believe in Heaven and hell. I believe there is a spiritual battle going on and the devil was having a hay day with me. The Bible tells us that Jesus came to bring us life to the fullest, and the devil came only to steal, kill, and destroy. Satan wants to keep us in condemnation. He doesn't want any of us fully receiving the Grace that Jesus died to give all of us. After Ava's birth I had a real hard time receiving any of this grace. I hated myself, and I told Kenny this many times. I know at times he was deeply worried about me. I wouldn't have killed myself, but I can tell you there were days I wanted to die. There were many nights that my husband would hold me in his arms while I cried so hard my eyes felt like they would explode. He would ask me to tell him what lies satan was telling me so that he could pray over me and ask the Lord to remove the lies from my mind. These were dark, dark times.
During all of this it seemed our church started talking about abortion a lot. Talking about how wrong it was, and how we needed to stop killing babies. These words resonated in my head over and over. All I heard was "killing babies." I was one of those. Now this was my perception. It was kind of like when you buy a new car, all the sudden you start to see them everywhere. It is just how our minds work. Because I had had an abortion, it seemed I heard this topic come up everywhere. The feelings I had suppressed for so long finally came rushing to the surface and one night as I was laying in bed, I burst into tears and, through sobs, told my husband what I had done years ago. Of course he didn't hold it against me, and prayed over me that I would receive the love of Christ and His forgiveness. It was a relief for sure. But there was still a nagging in my heart that there was more I had to do. Every time I saw a newspaper article or Facebook post about some anti-abortion movement, I found myself hesitant to share because I didn't want someone who knew about my past to see it and think I was being a hypocrite. But God kept tugging at my heart. I knew He wanted me to share my story and my struggles. I knew I had to share my story, but I was petrified of the condemnation and what others would think of me.
My purpose of sharing this story is two-fold. First I want women who are contemplating having an abortion to really, really think and pray about your decision. It will forever change your life and you will never be the same. No matter your reasons, trust me you are not prepared for the emotional chasm it leaves on your soul. I know I am forgiven, but I am forever changed because of my decision. Secondly, as with any sin, just because it is legal in terms of the law, does not make it right in the eyes of God. All these human rights groups talk about Pro Choice. And I supported this for years. But I cannot support this.
Abortion is not the only sin I have committed. If I were judged by God's law (the Ten Commandments) I am probably guilty of breaking just about every one. I've lied, I've disrespected my parents, I've committed sexual immorality, and there is many more. But here is the kicker. In the spring of 2003, my mom had confronted me about my faith.
She point blank asked me one day, "if you were to die tonight, do you think you would go to heaven?"
Her question really riled me, "Sure I am," I replied.
"How do you know?" She said.
(Here it comes)
"Because I am a good person," I told her.
Let me just make this point.
You see I had spent my whole life telling people I was a Christian, yet all the while just not getting it. You see, you cannot just pick parts of the bible to live by and discard the rest. You either BELIEVE or you don't. There is no in between. I used to believe all my friends were going to heaven. I believed my Muslim, Buddhist, wiccan, etc etc. I believed they were all going. But the bible is very clear on this point. Jesus said, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." It wasn't until the summer of 2003 that I really embraced this. You see, we are all sinners. There is a lot of chatter these days about homosexuals and the liberals hate the conservatives, and the gay and lesbian groups hate the Christians. Bottom line is that we are all sinners and need the Grace of our Lord. He is there for all of us.
I keep finding myself getting into these stupid debates with homosexuals, and being accused of things that I am not. At the core of my belief system is a desire to live according to God's will for my life. Do I mess up? Absolutely. But it is my desire to live by His rules, not man's rules, because man's rules are static. There are no boundaries any more.
So back to my mom...
She just shook her head when I told her I was good enough to get into heaven. It took me awhile to realize the absolute absurdity of what I said. Was I for real?? A girl who had dabbled in sexual promiscuity, had had an abortion, had done drugs..did I really think I was good enough. It took me being brought to my knees as a broken women to realize how much I needed a Savior. I needed Jesus. I finally asked my mom if there was someone I could talk to. She sent me to talk to a pastor friend of hers and he ultimately led me through repentance and the sinner's prayer. It was life changing. But it doesn't make me better than you or anyone. It just makes me forgiven.
There are topics I am passionate about, but it usually revolves around my belief in a Christian worldview. It guides my decisions, my marriage, how we are raising our children, everything. The Lord picked me up when I was completely broken. He showed me His love in a dream one night, and He assured me He would always be with me. And I believe Him. But I still live in a broken world, and I am human. I battle just like everyone else. I battle feeling angry that two of my children struggle with disabilities, I battle anger, I battle independence. I battle a lot of things. I. Am. Not. Perfect. But I am forgiven in Christ.
If you know anyone who has had, or is thinking of having, an abortion, please have them email me. It is a burden no one should carry. Every life is a miracle, and every baby is a blessing. I thank God every day that I have three beautiful children, because I believed for years that I didn't deserve to have children.
Again, this post is highly personal, but I felt led to share my story. There are too many babies being aborted and too many women living in shame as a result.
1 comment:
Dear Vicki,
Thank you so much for being obedient to the Lord in sharing this painful and yet encouraging story of your life. I will pray that God will continue to use this to bring glory to Him, to draw you closer to Him and to draw others to the amazing forgiveness and love of our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. I am blessed to know you and you are a blessing to many others. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:12-14
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