It was late afternoon on what would be one of the hottest days on record, and I wanted desperately to get a shower, but our 5 week old son would not let me put him down-even for a minute. On top of this, every time I settled down to nurse the baby, or do anything for that matter, our 6 year old son would decide he needed something right then. I really needed some ‘me’ time. It was at this time that my husband decided to hit me with a question that had been on both our minds…
“Have you thought anymore about home schooling?”
“YES,” I said, sounding frustrated.
“What are you thinking?”
“That I cannot add one more thing to my plate or I’ll go nuts,” I replied. I began to feel that overwhelmed, panicky feeling creep in.
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Let me take you back to the beginning of this journey, to give you some insight into my world. You see. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever consider home schooling my kids, or being a stay at home mom for that matter, I would have told you “No way!”
Before I go into detail, I want to warn you that some of the things I say may sound like I am bragging about my past career. Not so. I simply want to try to get you into my head and what this journey has been like. Five years ago I was a Marketing Director for Toyota making a very comfortable salary and turning down job offers every day. I was at the peak of my career. Then on December 31, 2007, everything changed.
Our daughter Ava was supposed to be born at home. We had done our research, hired a professional midwife that had delivered hundreds of babies, I had watched my eating, and had enjoyed good health. But something had happened. Her birth had taken a tragic turn and Ava was born without a heartbeat or respirations…completely lifeless, limp, and gray. She had gone for almost 15 minutes without oxygen, and suffered severe, global brain damage. On January 1, 2008, Ava was admitted to Nationwide Children’s Hospital, and would spend the next 13 weeks there just to become stable enough to bring home.
I should mention that, prior to Ava’s birth, my husband and I lived paycheck to paycheck. We shouldn’t have, mind you, we made plenty of money to save had we lived frugally. But like a lot of people, we made money and we spent money. So when our lives were turned upside down in 2008, our budget was already fragile…and this was the tipping point. During Ava’s stay in the NICU, I attempted to work. I came in as much as I could. I didn’t want to stay home, I wanted to work. I have heard many people complain about their jobs and how they hated going to work. This wasn’t the case for me. I liked my job. I liked the people I worked with. I liked my customers. In no way did I picture myself ever doing anything but what I was doing. You can ask anyone who worked with me, I was a die-hard Toyota fan, through and through! I’m just trying to paint a picture for you. I loved what I did! So when in November of 2008, my manager informed me that they were doing away with my position I was crushed.
I remember several years ago, I was having lunch with an advertising agent I knew. He asked me to describe myself using one word. The word I chose? CONNECTED. I was connected! I knew people. If you needed a realtor, I could hook you up. If you needed concert tickets, I knew someone to call. And the list goes on. So upon finding out about losing my job, I started contacting my ‘connections.’ Every one I contacted was a dead end road. I had gone from turning down job offers, to not even being able to score an interview. After finally getting an interview at a local dealer group, I was again let down when they told me they were temporarily freezing all hiring.
It was weird. No one was hiring. It was as if every door had been closed. So I succumbed, begrudgingly I admit, to staying at home ‘for awhile’ as I liked to tell people. When people asked me if I was a stay-at-home-mom I would quickly correct them. “I am interviewing,” I would say. I continued to send out resumes, and nothing. I remember one time I got a phone call from a dealer in Delaware, it was the General Manager. I’ll never forget what he said. “I just had to call you because your resume was so impressive,” he said, “you should be running your own dealership! Unfortunately I don’t think I can afford you, but best of luck to you.” “Great,” I thought, “well at least I impressed him even if he didn’t offer me a job.”
Then in early 2009, the bank repossessed our home as part of the bankruptcy, and we moved. Shortly after the move I hit a wall, emotionally. I had been sending out resumes for months and nothing was happening. Meanwhile we were experiencing horrific problems with Ava’s nursing schedule. Nurses were coming in late, calling off, no one would work holidays, and there were many ‘holes’ in the schedule. “I couldn’t get a job even if I wanted one right now,” I thought to myself one day. Friends and family would often ask me when I would be returning to work, and I always felt obligated to give them an answer. After all, I didn’t have the mindset of a stay-at-home mom! I mean, it might be for some women, but not me!
It was the summer of 2009 that I decided to go to nursing school. I had been told about a grant being offered to displaced auto workers (that was me) that would pay for schooling to go into a different field. Kenny and I decided that nursing was a good, long-term decision, since Ava would likely need nursing care her entire life. So back to college I went. It took me two years to complete my schooling and get my nursing degree. During this time I often contemplated what I would do with my degree. Hospital? Home health? Maybe even Ava’s nurse? I went to school more for the long term benefits I guess. I did not have a definitive plan for when I graduated.
Almost exactly two months after graduating from nursing school, my son was diagnosed with autism. It was a huge blow. I felt I was just getting back to my feet from Ava’s tragic birth, and then to have this diagnosis handed down…it was a breaking point. The psychologist who diagnosed him was a cocky idiot, just to add salt to the wound. He informed me that Aohdan would need to attend OT and Speech therapy, along with special social groups, and the list went on and one. At this point in time, I have ‘lived’ with nurses in our home an average of 12 hours/day, 7/days a week. I had learned to hide my feelings. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a private person. I don’t like people to know my business, and I don’t like a lot of attention. I’m a ‘cry in private’ type of person. I’ve always been that way. So when Aohdan was diagnosed as autistic, I put on a strong façade and went about my business. But in private I was an absolute wreck. I remember one time in particular I was in the shower and started thinking, then crying, then sobbing, then completely collapsed, hanging-from-the-towel-rack sobbing. “Why God? Why BOTH of my babies? Can’t I just enjoy ONE healthy child that doesn’t need to have multiple doctors?” I was having a serious pity party.
After Aohdan’s diagnosis I felt overwhelmed with Dr’s appointments. I mean Ava has always kept us busy, but now with Aohdan going to OT and a special autism Doc..well..it took it to a whole new level. Between Aohdan and Ava, I was making 2-3, and sometimes 4 trips to Columbus every. single. week. This whole time people were still asking me, “So, are you going to go back to work?” Harmless comments mind you. But each time they would ask me I would start over with the self-condemning thoughts of, “I need to find a job.” Meanwhile Aohdan is getting ready to start Kindergarten. I had talked to multiple parents about what to ask for on his IEP, and went into his first IEP meeting [I thought] very prepared. I gave the staff all the written recommendations from medical professionals and was abruptly told that the OT and Speech recommendations could not be met due to ‘lack of staff.’ This was the same response for several other items we requested. ‘Lack of staff,’ and, ‘lack of funding,’ were given as the reasons my son was not offered better services.
Friends and family offered reassurance. “He’ll be fine. He’s a smart kid.” This was one of the problems I was encountering. You see, Aohdan appeared on the surface to very ‘typical,’ but it was when you tried to engage him in conversation, or when you observed him playing with peers his own age that his quirks showed. Believe me when I tell you that every autism mom wants to hear that her child is doing well in school and playing well with other kids. We WANT to hear that they don’t stand out. But I’m also not a mom to live in denial that my child has an area that he needs help in. The school system spent his entire Kindergarten year blowing smoke up my you-know-what. By years’ end I had had my fill. Something had to change. I had been warned by other moms whose kiddos were on IEP’s that it would be a battle uphill until he graduated. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I felt as if I had been fighting since the day Ava was born. I was tired of fighting.
Before I tell you the rest of the story, I want to first tell you that my husband and I are born again Christians. It is important to us that our children grow up with a biblical view of our world, and an education that includes God. We knew this would not happen in a public school setting, but we figured that we would incorporate it at some point. So one night as I was venting to Kenny about my woes with the school system, he asked me, “Have you thought about home schooling?” I just stared at him. "Me? Homeschool mom?” It went against everything I had ever pictured myself doing. I mean. I still had this mindset that I was a displaced executive and that it was just a matter of time before I found a job back in the car business, or found a great nursing job. I was not ready to give up on the idea of going back to work. Besides, I felt as if everyone was whispering behind my back, “Vicki went to all that trouble to get her nursing degree and now she’s not even working in her field.” I knew how people thought. I had heard them talk about others in the same manner, why wouldn’t they talk about me the same? I have always struggled with caring too much about what others think. And I felt like people would not respect me, or talk about me behind my back, if I stayed home. I felt I needed that ‘approval’ from others. Our parents had raised us to ‘work hard’ and my mom even set a high standard by raising us kids and all the while working as a waitress. I felt I was not contributing to society if I ‘just stayed home.’ I had worked my whole life up to this point. I wasn’t ready to ‘give up everything’ to stay at home. What I failed to take into consideration was how hard I worked and how there were many days I yearned to be back at my old desk at Germain Toyota selling cars and making deals. I missed it. I felt like I could only gain peoples’ respect if I was hoofing it to work 5-6 days a week and earning a paycheck. My mindset was still on my ‘old’ life. You know, the life that God had closed a door on several years prior?
So to continue…
Two days after Aohdan’s last day of school, Kenny and I welcomed our third child. Little Anson. The timing was perfect. Aohdan was able to finish school, and we were able to enjoy our summer together as a family without distractions. It was awesome. But all too soon it was time for Aohdan to go back to school. Summer had gone by so fast! A week before school began, I went to open house to meet his teacher, and that is when I discovered that every single person that Aohdan had gotten to know and trust from last year had been traded to other school districts when the levy failed. The principle, Special Ed teacher, his Aide, and Kindergarten teacher…all gone. I have never gotten into politics much (until recently) but my husband explained to me that what had happened at our school district was just a piece of what was to come. School was not like it was when I was a kid, it is a whole different animal out there.
Aohdan had not even been in school two weeks and the trouble began. No communication between myself and the teacher, the administrator wasn’t returning my emails, and it appeared there were no small groups set up. This is just a few of the issues that we were up against. But the final straw for me was when Aohdan came home one day with math homework and cried the whole time. He looked at me with tears rolling down his face and says, “I can’t do it at school either mommy.” I just grabbed him and hugged him. So the next morning I called the school and spoke to the special ed coordinator, who told me that “Aohdan does not qualify for academic services on his IEP.” That was it. I was SO done with these people. Fight?! Like this?! For the next eleven years? I don’t think so.
That night when I went to bed, God did something wonderful. He led me to website after website with answers to questions about how to get through to a child like Aohdan. He showed me that not only was public school not serving Aohdan, it was actually getting in the way. He showed me very clearly, that I was supposed to home school Aohdan, and that He would make a way for it to happen. My biggest barrier to home schooling was my own fear of letting Aohdan down..not being a good ‘teacher.’ But I have discovered that he wants his momma to teach him. That same math that made him cry? God showed me to use the number line to provide a visual aid for addition and subtraction. I laid in bed with the iPad until 4:30 am that morning, just going from website to website. I announced to Kenny the next morning that we were going to homeschool. Starting NOW.
When I actually made the decision to move ahead with home schooling, an incredible peace came over me. It was as if a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. I’ve even noticed a difference in Aohdan’s attitude as well. We’ve only had two home school days, but already Aohdan is asking me, “Mommy, are we doing school today?” He loves it! And I am SO pumped about all the cool things he gets to do now that he is not held back by going to public school. I had to come a point in my life where I had allowed the opinions of others to create a burden that was so heavy I would lay in bed and just sob. I mean cry so hard, and for so long, that they would be swollen the next day.
I have allowed the opinions of others to block the blessing that God had for me and my family. I now am starting to see the bigger picture. I am excited to let Him lead me in educating our children. I am proud to say I am a stay-at-home mommy. I am currently back in school (online) to get my Bachelor of Nursing degree, and am fitting that in with home schooling Aohdan, taking Ava to all of her clinic appointments, and breastfeeding my newborn son. I do plan on going back to work one day, but I am no longer stressing about it.
My journey from Marketing Director to Stay at home mom has been a long, arduous one. And I have kicked and screamed like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, wanting my old life back. I have finally come to a place in my life where I am at peace, and am learning to love the blessing God has given me and my family. This is not to say there will not be days that I still yearn for the ‘simpler’ times, but hearing my baby boy say to me, “Come on mommy, let’s go do some math,” this makes it all worth while. So we have officially begun this journey called ‘Home School’ and I am excited to see where it will take us. I hope to post about our adventures along the way!
God Bless,
Vicki
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